Last Post for 2011

With 1^st January, 2012 just few hours away, I think it would be the best time to summarize my entire 2011. Speaking about my blogs, I wouldn’t say it was a great year, I wrote and posted much lesser than I did last year, but for everything else this year has been a watershed.

If life is collection of moments: and moments making events: and events making memories, then this year have been a collection of all type of memories, the good, the bad and the ugly; with each one leaving a deep impression.

Like something written in sand, impressions in life too gets washed away with the sprinkling waves of future, or the quite torrent in the horizon of life. Nothing is permanent; nothing is predictable except of course writing about them.

Today, at this juncture I am not apologetic that I don’t write further, I am not apologetic that I led someone cross my life, I am not apologetic that I ignored the requirement of my eyes and avoided specs, I am not apologetic that I prefer to stay aloof, I am not apologetic that I don’t give alms to beggars, I am not apologetic that my demeanor is of an angry young man, I am not apologetic that I talk straight and I am not apologetic for being me.

Happy New Year to you all

 Logging off from 2011

Tarun

I am not here, but I did not die

While changing the template of my blog, I have observed one thing; since 2009 when I started regular posting, my posts have progressively decreased. This story is same across by photo blog. Many times you might have seen the I write apologizing myself for not writing at all, or even trying to reason out for the same. But today it might not be the case.

My last post was on the 25th day of March 2011, it was a poem which I wrote a year back and which I feel is haunting me presently, anyhow, but the point is, even there it was not something fresh I wrote, it was from my records and I just pasted it. It is true for many of my posts, especially poetry, where I have shared something I wrote long back and stumbled upon them as I didn't have anything new to share. Even the last story I wrote was in November 2009, almost a year and half back. I am not apologizing for not writing, neither reasoning out my fallacies. One thing I have learned from the churns and twists of my life is that nothing is certain, especially when one sees certainty, at the very immediate moment the most uncertain thing happens, washing away everything, leaving a clean slate.

It is on this clean slate that new stories are started, and it is on this slate old memories are shared. It is from this clean slate I wish to venture again. In this new venture, there might be lack of continuity and again the same thing might be repeated once again. But as it is the human nature to try and to think, this wheel won't stop. From now on, many of you might find the contents boring as there would be more business and law items, but as I said the wheel must keep turning. Otherwise it will rust in the sands of time.

In conclusion, I must say, even though I might not be writing lately but:

I am not here, but I did not die.

Regards

Tarun Mitra

Just My Thoughts…..

Just My Thoughts…..

January 24^th, 2011 will always remain as a memorable day in my life. Though I passed my CS Final on August 2010, got my MSOP done on January 14^th, 2011 and was finally admitted member of this esteemed institute, the Institute of Company Secretaries of India, on January 20^th, 2011. But it was on January 24^th, 2011 on which I was allotted my membership number, culminating a long and arduous battle. As I said, it has ended a battle, just a phase, not the war.

For the last few months, I have not shared anything in my blogs, whether it is this one or Target Aim Shoot, either I had refrained myself or I was too lazy to share anything. It is a feeling that has become a common fixture in my character in 2010. The world has also meanwhile turned into quite a smutty place, with each one of us from every strata of society dying to gets its pie.

Whether is corruption in the government, or in the roads, or in the media or even stupid reality shows. We have metamorphosed into an eternally corrupt society which accepts the basic tenet that if something is above for free then it must be welcome. We can see murder and pretend nothing happened, we may even enjoy it, cherish it and relish its memories later. Of course, you can argue that I’ve being cynical, but just honestly, take a minute out and look into the mirror; you will definitely find the answer. Alas! The word ‘honesty’ no longer figures in the dictionary anymore.

But still there is some sanity, or some faint resemblance of it. We all want to move and we do move, but at which direction, we do not know. We are rather unclear about the destination and unsure of the path we have taken. We go on complaining but we seldom try to find the problem in the first place itself.

Sorry for diversion but just cannot help it, you just can’t blame god and government for everything. Coming back to me, I have joined twitter few months back, and I’d found it rather too fast for my palette. It just like a quickie or a blind date where it happens and ends within few minutes and only one realizes is the sensation of something that had happened. It is too fast for my sub-conscious and sometimes elicits response you just don’t want to give. But I’ll be there slowly in my own way, although I find it too overwhelming.

Meanwhile, I will be doing more off technical writing here than just sharing of my memories, poetry and stories. But I finding it would be more fruitful to share what I have learned. It is indeed difficult to maintain two different blogs or third one would be even tougher. However, I will be writing some literature (or gibberish as you may rate).

‘

Is all is well in the world? No it isn’t. As I said, the war had begun now and many of my MSOP mates can concur with what I said. MSOP has been a great platform to make new friends and those 15 days were very special for me, I was just like passing out parade were each participant jelled like a family. Now, we many be in different parts of the country, but we will never ever forget that once we all got together out of compulsion of statue but have to leave with a heavy heart.

© Tarun Mitra

February 4, 2011

Back Again

Writing after really long time, it has being more than two months. But why it is still hard for me to write. Why there is no inspiration in spite of full of seasons. I don’t know but in this one I will share few things that have held me for last few days.

It has been really long, for the first time since I have started regular blogging that a month has gone without a post. The story is same for my both blogs. So what is it that held me, lethargy, laziness, work or anxiety, or probably mixture of all?

Before I began, I give my sincerest apologies to those fellow bloggers whom I have not read during this period. I am sorry, but I cannot help and those I have read, thank you for reminding me that I have to post.

What is blogging? Well, when this concept was invented this was supposed to be some sort of online diary, before it evolved into some powerful medium. Blog was primarily meant to be a diary, so it first comes to diary.

Diary keeping, a habit to keep records of daily happenings of our lives, so that one day we could read them and try to evaluate and relive those days. I started maintaining diary possibly after my 12^th, though not regular, but still they are able to provide me the insights of my mind during that period. Many of my poems that you have read here were the pieces from those papers. But I must again admit that I was never regular.

I have started blogging out of curiosity of sharing. I was exposed to this tool from the newspapers and faint articles of the revolutions that it was brining. It was supposedly a cyclone at Orissa which bought this technology to my consciousness. It was an enduring picture of a person with Ham radio and another person with laptop trying to trace relatives of the victims that has being etched in my mind. If this tool was such powerful, then what good that it can do to me? I thought and started my first blog.

My first blog was a disaster, it never got any reader. The reason may be because I never knew the tricks of getting readers or increasing hits. I kept posting, without even having a reader for it. Eventually, my old e-mail account to which the blog was linked got hacked in July 2008 thus ending my first tete-a-tete with blogging. Although, I made myself available a new e-mail account within few days, but it wasn’t till 2^nd October 2008 that I started this blog and rest is history.

But today, as I write down this, after more than two months, it’s not the history that has prompted me, but the retrospective vision of my past in concurrence with my present. Life, it is said that evolves continuously and during one such transition I caught myself during last few days making me difficult for me to pen down something, and there were other reasons directly connected to my situation present.

Today, as I post this draft, am a qualified Company Secretary, and it has being a journey of almost seven years and innumerable examinations, long hours of arduous study and patience. It’s been almost a month since my results were declared but alas as I said, my present also has a dubious role to play for not updating you on this.

Now, it would not be coincidence that I started keeping diary when I passed out my higher secondary examination, a same period when I joined this course. Going through the course of my life, I have found numerous instances where I have been alone, dejected, lonely and defeated but I survived. There has being instances where I have seen (and still seeing) my peers leaving me behind and I trudging along on the same broken path, but I have survived. I have seen time when everyone I knew was having a cool time, partying and I was peering over books. I have seen times when people who studied with me in the same course passed out and qualified, and I failed to make a mark. Gosh! I have seen a lot, and still I survived and today when I have passed I can at least safely say I have failed, but I was never a failure.

Now, please don’t ask about what Company Secretaryship is all about, kindly google it. It is professional degree at par with Chartered Accountancy and Cost Accountancy and is managed by an Act of Parliament. It is the actual Corporate Governance course available. However, very few people may know that. But for me it has been a journey of sorts with more than its fair shares of ups and downs. And on retrospective I might say c’est vie.

After reading these lines, you all might be angry, and may ask “Why the hell now, after a month?” For this I would simply say, and as I have said, my present. Its push, pulls and pressures has its own role to play for stopping me from not writing. But now as I have written, I will try to be more regular.

After my result last month (it was 25^th Day of August) I wanted to write a post, about my journey till now. But not anymore, goal should always be at front of you and not backwards.

Now before I conclude this long write-up, which started from my brief history of diary keeping and blogging and to my present qualification. I must say, they both were intertwined. They both started at a period when I was at the edge, they both helped when I was falling down from the edge. They both challenged me and kept me going. It has being a long journey, I retrospectively sometimes I feel I should have finished it long ago, but alas! Now as I have, I am going for another one. Goal should always in front.

© Tarun Mitra

Inner Strength

Another old one from me, can't help. Sunday is the only holiday. This one was written way back in 2007. Hopefully by next week will be able to add something new.

Inner Strength

My eyes look tired

My face look wrinkled

It gives an older than age looks

However my determination is not broken

Nor did my inner strength

© Tarun Mitra

Yet another week..

It is Thursday night 2330hrs, tomorrow is few minutes away, and I sit here, with drowsy eyes and drained out mind trying to write something, or least of it meaningful, to keep my this blog atleast alive. Indeed it is difficult.

Is it poverty of thoughts? Or drought of ideas? Or, is it just another plain laziness which had plagued me earlier? No, neither of them, I am just tired. After spending close to 10 hours at the office and 3 hours in commuting and that to by using public transport (even it is Delhi Metro) what is left of a poor soul of 24 year old. And to add a cherry to this cake I don't have Saturday off, with Sunday comes and goes life seems to be struck a High Tension wire.

Enough of whining, I chose it, or it was a hobsons choice. Whatever it was, decision is entirely mine. Anyhow coming to penning my thoughts, I think I have already explained why the idea don't get converted, not an excuse, but try walking in my shoes.

Be careful what you wish for, because some where in past I might have prayed for this and the Higher Power seems to be using LIFO in granting wishes. Anyhow, coming to the point.

But what point, this point has no point at all, just varied coordinates which I joining with my eyes closed. So excuse me if you had gone through this torture, Good bye for now, and hopefully we will see you on Sunday

Why should I write?

I don't clearly remember why'd I began writing. Probably to diffuse tension which kept brewing in my brain, and by writing I mean writing not only blogging. I am quite unaware when this habit caught me and challenged me to give my best. But as time passed, and life grew, today I am compelled to ask myself "Why should I write at all?"

It is not that I accidentally stumbled upon writing. I used to write some parody, some speeches in my school days but they were few and far between. I graduated to diary writing during my first and second year. But discontinued regular writing soon, though I still keep a folder and use to pen my thoughts there often, but that too have reduced a lot after I started blogging.

Now coming to blogging, I must say I'd some good and some bad experiences. There were few good experience like some of my mediocre stuff got more attention and some bad experience like some of my better researched stuff suffered badly. Part of life I can say to myself. But...

Why should I write? it is the question I am asking myself, It is not about the readers only. But can it bring about any change. Will it affect the world even by an iota. Will it effect anyone's thinking by a tiniest bit. Will anyone disagree and lead to an healthy argument to keep me engage. Or will anyone even care.

It is my 99th post, and I don't know what I will post for my 100th.

I am Distressed

I hate censors and believe people have right to know and right to say. But sometimes power corrupts and that is what I am seeing in my blog for last few weeks.

I love comments, whether they contradict my stand or they support my stand. I always enjoy a good debate, a good discussion, because ideas flow when we discuss and contradict. Therefore living up to that principle I had disabled word verification and enable anonymous commenting in my blog. However the response I got from few rotten one's has left me distressed and angry.

Being in Delhi, or India or any part of the world for that matter, we use slangs in our every day communication. Slangs are a part of culture, a manner by which we fume out anger or even shower love or crack a joke. It is good if it is used within limits and within a specific circle of people. However, it loses its taste when it misused, i.e., used in public forum where things are being discussed between people who have never met each other. This writer also have many juiciest of slangs up in his tongue but he seldom used them while discussing some important or not so important things with some unknown. This applies to blogs also.

As a blogger reading others blog I strive to keep my comments withing the limits of decency, and I also expect that people should follow the same while commenting here in my blogs. Even if I use an abuse I never direct it towards a particular person, it just forms part of a general statement, but as far as possible I try to avoid the language which I used amongst my friends.

But for the last few days I am getting dose of the medicine which I didn't applied to anyone. I was getting Anonymous comments on many of my articles, but the one I got on my post related to Tiger Conservation has crossed all the limits of decency and has forced me to enable moderation.

The person in question (I can safely assume he is not a gentleman) firstly posts, as anonymous, comment "NICE" for which he gets my response "Thanks but please give me your name". A good conversation always warrants knowledge of name. And In response I get a good dose of Delhi's Slang which then is followed by a slang-fest. I have to bring his family in the question.

This person without any shred of doubt is a coward, he was first using an Airtel Connection of Delhi and when I point out the same this smartass began using proxy server to post comments and asking me which country he is from, as if he thinks he is the only intelligent person remained in this world.

It seems that he has taken a good record of me and has put me in his reading and is having a real sick fun of abusing me in this public forum. Now he is using the name of 'Dick' to comment since I have disabled the anonymous commenting. His comment on last post has being deleted, it seems that he wishes me to get me to his rotten level. I will not oblige him.

Now for the records, if there is tiniest possibility that I know this guy/gal in person then he/she can safely presume goodbye to our friendship is there was any.

I follow net-etiquettes and I also presume others to follow the same while commenting. Slang is good, but it is a double edged sword, be careful while using it in public forum.

"REPUTATION" might be a 10 letter word but it takes life time to earn it, and just a spur of a moment to lose it.

Thanks

Tarun

Left Alone

I wrote this piece almost 5 years back November 17, 2004 to be precise, the time when I actually realized I can write, I somewhat feel like this even now, do leave your comments

Left Alone

I am in the middle of the ocean

Left alone- nowhere to go

Sky is clouded- I can’t see stars

I couldn’t find my way home

I see no star, no light, no hope

To guide me out of this lonely sea

I’ve lost all my gadgets

I couldn’t find the distance

I’m left with only one piece of cloth

Is it a night?

Or a day turned dark

I’m struggling for life

Amongst approaching shark

I’m fighting hard

I’ve lost sight to time, day and date

Month and year I’m stranded all alone

I’m in the middle of the ocean

Left alone- nowhere to go

© Tarun Mitra

19th Delhi World Book Fair 2010

I was thinking about this post on January 30th itself, but my Computer surely do had other plans. I'd thought this one to be detailed post but by now I have drained all my juices of literature and will just put out the facts plainly as possibly.

I went to 19th Delhi World Book Fair on the first day itself, ie, January 30th,2010. After a series of yes,no,yes, no at last I was able to make it to the fair on the first day itself, though alone. The Saturday was distressing for me and I do required something good to happened, so even it was 4 PM I decided to keep myself away from experimentation and stick to the basics of book buying, trusted brands, trusted names and back. For the first time in many years I'd kept myself from experimentation. For this I'd reasons, these were, time and money.

I had being going to Book Fair (in Delhi whether National or International) since the year 2001, the year I changed my school and had to travel by bus to reach my new school. Then also, as a student of government school, with trademark violet trousers and white shirt without a tie, I went there alone. Sometimes being looked with suspicion or just as any other ignorance, seldom being treated as a customer unless I picked up a book to purchase. As years passed with uniform giving way to jeans something I found seldom changed. May be I am not smart enough. Anyhow.

For a Bibliophile like me, Book Fair, whether big or small, is like a Kumbh Mela, a must visit for self purification. I enjoy wandering, rather lost, within the books. Though I won't count myself a voracious reader, but still intentionally or unintentionally I end up reading a lot. Many of my friends might call me "pakau" for the "gyan" I usually give out might be result of readings. Coming back to the topic, for last 10 years a lot have changed. Bus has given way to metro, uniform to jeans, and some more cash in pocket. But what has not change, is the venue and organizing.

Though touted as one of the biggest book fairs at least in Asia (my assumption, possibly wrong), organizing still leaves a lot to desire to truly make it something. Creaking hall, littered streets, card board pieces everywhere has become ubiquitous with Pragati Maidan. This time it was even worse, with 3 different fairs being held there at that time, Book fair was tucked away at a different corner, leaving the visitors a lot of ground to cover and a lot of questions to ask to reach there. Though entry was free for school children in uniform accompanied by a teacher during weekdays, I entered there for free, and that too without any security checking. I just flouted a small loophole, entry was free for other two fairs, I entered one of them and then walked onto the Book Fair. I have a reason for this, no body knew where tickets were being sold and officials at the designated gates were asking for it, one of them sent me to a gate only to sent to another gate, then I asked a gentleman about entry and he told me this idea, he'd done the same. And I did. But there holds a lesson for ITPO and NBT, use some brain while scheduling fairs and properly advertise where tickets can be sold. Mere advertising for the event is not enough.

From the Fair I entered it was long walk to the book fair as it was tucked away to another corner. And since I was not thinking about experimentation I decided to stick to my field of books from established names (a decision I don't like to repeat in future but circumstances were such) viz. Law and Fiction. I visited stalls of Lexis Nexis, Universal Law House, Taxmann, Rupa & co (of books not baniyans), Penguin India, Oxford and some others, but these were I spent maximum time (apart from walking around).

Well as I said, organizing was shoddy and many things were still not available to participants and with uneven flooring you just cannot called its international, to my surprise many NBT/ITPO officials were very helpful. They help me located few publishers I was looking for. If NBT/ITPO people are listening there is a lesson for them, while organizing please put things segment wise for example, law at one area, management at another, instead putting them up haphazardly. Though it may not be practically possible every time, but it should be done as far as possible. Secondly enough space must be given to the visitors to actually navigate from one stall to another. And proper maps must be put up at every place at least to give proper directions.

Coming back to the fair itself, since I was alone, I'd little chance of clicking pictures. You can be viewed suspiciously if you are clicking things alone (and if you are in black attire as I was in). Anyhow there I see motley of human emotions, facebook friends meeting for first time in blood and bones, an upcoming writer making a splash with a pretty upcoming reader (read girl) with her mother, dealer complaining lack of service, children asking to many questions, and the hero of the events books and a lot of them. You could easily lost in them.

But I had something in my mind, only few specific things and back and so I did. But I can fairly say the visit, even alone, clearly removed the stress out of the distressing day. I hoped next time I would be able to give more time (usually I visit the fair twice, but this time I am not seeing me doing that) and with better camera (moon was beautiful on Saturday) and hopefully with at least a friend or two to accompany me (condition: mental compatibility about reading otherwise day would become hell with both pulling different strings).

So go on and visit, because it is worth visiting, it is on till February 7th at Pragati Maidan, New Delhi, and if you have kids, carry them along, they could have a thousands books to cheer.

Tarun

Check out my Today's Photo at targetaimshoot.blogspot.com

Deepawali 2009

I know that it is too late to write about the festival of lights. However, I must add that it is not just another write up letting people know what is done in Deepawali. It is just my experience of this year and some view which I do think I must share.

World over the festival of Deepawali is projected as a festival of lights and Laxmi Puja. Majority of foreign publications I read online carried same tune again and again. But it is much more than that, which only an Indian knows. Very few people will appreciate that on this very day Bengalis celebrate Kali Puja or even there are are other festivals in different parts of the country with different names. Leaving the question of knowledge of different festivals on that very day; for a kid growing up in Delhi, this festival is more than ‘festival of lights’. It is for him a festival of sound, a festival of fun and gifts and a festival in which one feels a vibrant positive energy flowing even through the darkest alleys of the city.

Being born and bought up in Delhi, I liked this festival very much. Much is due to the fact that like every kid I was attracted towards lightening, gifts and crackers; and buck for me stops there itself, nothing more than that, no Puja at home, but only community ‘Kali Puja’ organized by the local Bengali Association. Since Puja used to be timed late night, as a kid I only used to visit it with my parents. A habit which slowly weaned away with each passing year and completely disappeared this year. More so because on last few years I had office or college very next day and this year I was not yet willing to exert myself.

This year though, Deepawali has being rather light. The main spoilsports were health and inflation. My health prevented me from satisfying my gastronomic delights. Inflation took the sheen away from crackers and other things. So, when others were enjoying mutton in my home, I was sipping soup containing paneer, what a pity. That’s life.

You will be very surprised and might ask, Why mutton? Well as I have already written, it’s ‘Kali Puja’ and there used to be tradition of sacrifice (Patha boli). That is gone for good, but Prasad of goddess is still consumed in many Bengali households. So don’t be surprised in future whenever you visit a Bengali home in Deepawali and you get that beautiful (or disgusting depending on your food choice) aroma of mutton. But alas! Fate had some other plans for me.

I love crackers, although I am still afraid of the noisy one’s but still I can safely admit that I am not the one in anti-cracker lobby. As a kid, my grandfather used to bring me a large cache of cracker at least a week before Deepawali; And I still remember rather fondly how I used to enjoy putting them under the sun to cut down the moisture content. Almost every neighbor used to pass a comment on my little shop. I still miss those days. But with ascension of age, few things withered away. Reasons were manifold. But still I garner immense joy whenever I see something going up in the sky and bursting into million pieces of shiny red, blue, green, purple and orange.

For the last few years I have being enjoying my Deepawali with my friend Sushant and his family. We two happen to share common passion for food, frolic and crackers. Since our school days we together visited Diwali Melas (fair) and enjoyed out Deepawali together. So it is a kind of habit of me going there every year. This year it was same, the only difference, I didn’t fire any cracker there. Just because of lack of quick body reflexes and nothing more than that. However, what I did was helped my four year old Cousin to fire her first crackers. Believe me there is nothing more satisfying than passing one’s legacy. She was up to it and event went ahead of me. This was all Deepawali for me, but I had made few observations this year and for last few years.

This festival is one of those festivals in which positive energy flows everywhere and sweeps everyone, no matter which religion or community he or she belongs. In a way this festival is pervasive. Having said that, this year I feel the celebration has being low key, much lower than that of last year’s. There are two things that struck me this year which substantiates that recession and inflation have a tragic impact on way we celebrate. First, for the first time I saw lightening of majority of homes was done just a day before the big day; and lights were taken out just after the day. Second, the crackers only got loose during Deepawali, and the quantity was even lesser this year; if you compare, then it was equal to the crackers that are burnt during ‘Dhanteras’ or ‘Choti Deepawali’ of previous years.

Now, these two things mentioned above are not flash in pan. A trend is generating for the past few years proving the impact of prices having on our daily lives. Although one can argue that if look at statistics, it shows that sales are increases. However, it is noteworthy that how many new people have come to the market and spent a little to add into a larger whole. But those who were there and are there are cutting back or holding up, without being replaced. To sum up, although economy is growing, but is every one getting proper fruit and if he is getting the fruit has his share of fruit with regard to the harvest is stagnant or even declining. Whatever might be the answer, just look around, answers are there.

Another thing, I have being noticing, is the amount of coverage Indian festivals are getting in global media. Much is due to the fact that the world is getting flatter and also because Indian community in world is becoming more visible. However of all the positive effect it is having in the developing inter-cultural relations, some of the articles especially the comments on them really leave a very bad taste. In one of the article a commentator tried to distance Buddhism from this festival and then raking up issue of discrimination against dalits. In another article a reader, while reading the sentence ‘it to Hindus what Christmas is to Christians’, objected to very comparison, his comment somewhat read like this ‘when Christians die they go to heaven, where to Hindus go…..’ there was something else which I don’t want to write. Undoubtedly the person in second case was radical; the person was pacified by another reader in his comment. However, in first case, the person seemed to be a very narrow minded; just how can you compare religion and then say you are fighting for the very religion you are comparing against.

Religion is a very emotional issue. Raising it casually in all forums can have un-desirous results. But who listens, very few understand that free speech comes along with a lot of responsibilities.

To summarize what I had during this festival is something of mixed emotions. I am happy in spite of severe jaundice in better parts of last two months, I did enjoyed the festival, I am bit angry (not sad) because many thing didn’t worked out the way they should, like my camera. I am concerned about the coverage in the media, the one sided view that is being generated and radical comments that are coming forth. I am worried because somewhere I feel inflation is eating into us. Having said all these and having you gone through all these, I again wish that you all had a great Deepawali. I also clicked few pictures using my old rickety camera, which I will surely share.

© Tarun Mitra

I remember

I remember

As the train of life chugs forward

In the track of life

Crossing various stations

Towards the destination unknown

Leaving a long trail of memories behind

I remember

I remember

That with each passing day

I have something new to learn

With each passing station

I’d little grown up

I remember

I remember

The first time I opened my eyes

And saw light

The first time windswept my face

The first drop I taste

I remember

I remember

The first step I took

The tricycle I put

The first fall I had

I remember

I remember

The day I learnt to read

The day I sensed meaning out of written things

The first time I wrote something

I remember

I remember

The first time I was afraid

I closed my eyes and stayed

I breathed when I saw my mother

I remember

I remember

The first time I laughed

The freckle of a smile

And a guffaw afterwards

I remember

I remember

The first time I was scold

I cried and sobbed

The first time my eyes were moist

I remember

I remember

The first day at school

And I fell asleep in the noon

The first teacher I met

The first friends I made

I remember

I remember

The festivals I enjoyed

The cracked I burned

The colors I splayed

I remember

I remember

The festival of victory of good over evil

The worship of Goddess

The burning of devil

I remember

I remember

The festival of lights

The lightening of diyas, candles and twinkling lights

The day crackers turned the night sky bright

I remember

I remember

The Xmas day

The long wait for Santa

But for a good boy Santa never came

I remember

I remember

The New Year eve

The tasty pastries and juicy cakes

The way we stayed awake till midnight

To say ‘Happy New Year’

I remember

I remember

The Republic Day

The marching troops and weapons displayed

Fills the chest with pride

Even today

I remember

I remember

The Basant Panchmi

The Invocation of Goddess

The upholder of Wisdom and Consciousness

I remember

I remember

The festival of colors

The mouthwatering gujiya and loads of color

The day which drenched all way

I remember

I remember my result day

The stoic restlessness just won’t gave away

The relief I D-day

I remember

I remember

The new books I bought

The excitement of new syllabus

The new class to look forward

I remember

I remember

The summer holidays

The day’s hot sun shone

The power cut relays

I remember

I remember

The Independence Day

The hoisting of flags

Flying kites all day

I remember

I remember

The each passing birthday

The steady loss of innocence

The half burnt candles on the cake

I remember

I remember

The first time my heart throbbed

The first time I stole a look

The first crush I’d ever had

I remember

I remember

The first steps into adulthood

The bad result

The darker days

The bleak future it holds

I remember

I remember

The ray of hope

The ray I clenched onto

The reason that kept me going

I remember

I remember

The first time I fell in love

The spoken babble

And unspoken words

The feebleness leading her walking away

I remember

I remember

The first job I did

A small room

A rickety fan

Two second hand desktops

And plain old files

The long journey I undertook for a meager pay

I remember

I remember

The second job I did

The trading terminals

And ever ringing phones

The sickening long working hours

I remember

I remember

The relief I got

The professor’s explanation

The legal jargon

The freedom I enjoyed for a while

I remember

I remember

The first camping trip

The foothills of Himalayas

The rafting we did

I remember

I remember

The third job of mine

The training period of a trainee

The work culture of an MNC

I remember

I remember

The office trips I made

Along with my office mates

The deserts and mountains

I remember

I remember

A dark day

The first day of the week

And a short notice

The recession’s lash

I remember

I remember

Along all these

The ranging of emotions

Pain and suffering

Love and devotion

The dogged spirit kept going

I remember

I remember

In spite of all

The raindrops of my face

The warmth of winter sun

The mild wind of autumn

I remember

I remember

The small moments of happiness

The decorating of home

The cleaning of commode

The beautiful music all day

I remember

I remember

The times with friends

The jokes we cracked

The hard times we faced

The staying together till today

I remember

The remember

The time I spent

The love I got

The hatred I bred

I remember

I remember

The stations I passed

The people I met

The journey I made

I remember

I remember

That along the way

The good, the bad and the ugly days

The derailed trains on the way

I remember

I remember

The broken rails

The unheeded SOS

The dangers that prevailed

I remember

I remember

The journey I’d took

The journey I am taking

The journey I will take

On the rails of life

Towards destination unknown

Crossing all the stations behind

Leaving a memory trail

I remember

And I will remember

© Tarun Mitra

October 16, 2009

Jaundice Days – Part 3 The Experience

At this moment as I sat down to write the third and final part of my ‘Jaundice Days’ I am rather glad to inform you that the last test has revealed that Bilirubin levels have fallen below one (0.5 to be exact),that is, technically I am out of Jaundice. However, the restrictions associated with it still remains. The entire experience has been a total revelation for me, giving me an insight how people in our country deal with diseases for which they have little understanding. Alexander Pope has once said ‘A little knowledge is a dangerous thing’ the quote aptly applies to what I have heard, listened and faced during these days.

Peculiar Disease

There are many unanswered questions in Medical Science, and Jaundice is one of them. It is still hard to believe that this widespread disease still don’t have any direct particular medicine. The treatment basically rests on prolonged bed-rest and regular doses of energy tabs. Unless you consult a liver expert. To add on to it you will find many people who know everything about the disease and can prescribe you a medicine for it, medicines which are not recorded in any proven medical journal of India or the world. Its peculiarity also hinges on what people do to deal with it, stop taking proper diets, living off fruits and top of all stop taking anything yellow. Why yellow? The answer what you will get that since your body has turned yellow, yellow is now poisonous. But note down the turmeric has anti-septic properties; they’ll just shrug it away. The more common this disease is, less people are certain about it.

Foolproof Medicine

‘Have you consulted the doctor? Is he on medicines? Listen usko jhaad bhi do(get him treated by a witch doctor)’ This is from one of telephonic conversation my mom had with our educated relative, and mind it, this is not the only one. It is very surprising for me that even in this age and even with level of education people believe that something purely internal can be treated by something external. I do believe in god, and I do believe there is something like budi nazar and all that, but how can a thing which have a proper medical explanation, but no straight treatment can be treat to so things. I don’t know the answer, I simply don’t. But strangely enough, many people, from our house maid to electrician to the fruit vendor everyone knows a foolproof medicine for this disease. The medicine which can cure the disease in the matter days without any hospitalization. One of the most convincing examples was given by our electrician; I would just like to quote him about what he said after thoroughly checking me.

“Are you on a doctor? I know a person who makes the medicine for jaundice. When I had jaundice I consulted five doctors, one almost send me to a nursing home, which could have resulted in loss of Rs. 25000 and many days. I got to know about this person, he was in government service. He diagnosed me and asked me to come in the evening, by that time he would have completed his medicines. Medicines which has to be taken twice (or thrice) a day, would be provided by him every day. Within 3 days I got well, and then he advised me to go to a lake in Jhajjar, Haryana where there is a pilia kund (Jaundice Lake) where on every weekend people came from various corner to take a bath and drink water from that lake, and get cured. It is almost full on weekends, just like village fair. And then when you get well, take some roots of a particular plant, it will increase your hunger as it will open up the stomach. Hardly in 15 days you would get well. Do you take paan or banana? Medicine can only be taken by that only. Now since the person has retired, he will ask some charge, otherwise it was free. But you have to stop your medicines that you are taking.”

Phew! My mom only got impressed till I scolded her for her stupidity. It’s with my liver, I told her. But one thing became rather certain, many will give you suggestion but it is your brain that you must apply.

Lectures, Lectures and more Lectures

One of the most enduring memories of this period will be the amount of lecture I have to endure and amount that I am presently enduring. When you are ill, almost everyone seems to know the reasons for your illness.

‘You eat out a lot’

‘Roadside food’

‘You young people don’t listen, every time you go outside do you need to have anything’

‘Have more pizzas, burgers, momos, go have it, shall I bring some more now?’

‘Outside, ufff!’

For the first fifteen days, I listened to them, almost to the point of agreeing. But water has crossed it limits, and I have to let it go. Jaundice is a water borne disease, I countered, and I eat only at good restaurants and most of the time we order mineral water, and outside eating is mostly a weekend affair when most of the friends have weekend off, and if it happened because it happened due to eating out, at least 2 more should have gone down with me because I never eat alone. After this, my mom picked up the gauntlet for me, telling almost everyone who raised that damn point again. Jaundice is water borne disease and water could have slipped into my mouth from any place, even my home. I had had my last eating out sometime in mid July, how can I get infected in mid August for something I did one month back? Well there are no answers; speculations don’t have a proper explanation. But still they continue, giving lectures from food that should I eat to amount of rest I should take.

Conclusion

Jaundice is water borne disease and one doesn’t have to stop eating everything. Proper diet, proper rest and proper consultation with a good doctor (a Liver Specialist) are the mantra. I have seen people giving me all sorts of lectures about what to do after getting well, some of them abstain from oil for more than a year and suppose me to do the same. Many didn’t have any spices, many lived on boiled. But these are not the solution these only aggravate the problems.

When I first consulted the Liver Specialist he told me to have everything, take a proper diet, less spices, less oil, but proper. When my mother pointed out about what elder say, he said these golden words which still echoes in my ears,” If you go outside my clinic you will see an Aggrawal Sweet Shop, ask the owner about a medicine for jaundice. I am sure he will tell you a nuska. But it is up to you whom you listen, an expert halwai or an expert doctor.” The doctors words got proven when on my second check-up I complained about the gas problem, and that I only had boiled stuff. He said that time, if I keep taking boiled things, recovery will take time as liver is not getting all things properly and he was right. I have to say, after seven weeks, whatever doctor said would happen to me, happened to me. The Jaundice followed the same course as he said. It increased, it got stabilized, it fell down and on last Saturday when I got myself checked he remarked it might be over by now. And it is.

All during this time almost everyone I know became interested in the color of my shit. Food I eat. Almost everyone has a solution. But a very few people talked sense. I had proper diet during my jaundice days, not oily but proper, I abstained myself from tea and non-veg, and I listened to my doctor. Now there is a piece of advice that I want to give you, whenever you have jaundice always, always consult a liver specialist, it is a water borne disease which severely affects the lever. And listen to him. Have a proper diet and never listen to anyone who wants to give you a nuska. It is your liver, and you have to take care of it.

PS: This is for the comments that I received for my last two posts. I was not negligent about my health. BP is hereditary; more was due to the situation, my result, my health and lectures. It never occurred to me that it could happen to me, since I passed out of my college and started working I seldom had anything from roadside. But it was just my destiny, just couldn’t change it. Yes, it was an ordeal and how I passed my time sleeping, reading and watching TV. More on that especially about TV on next entry.